Do you struggle to set effective boundaries (or any boundaries at all)? This is a common challenge for many of us and one that has come up with many of my clients recently. As people-pleasers, we often have a hard time saying no…so we don’t. We say yes when we really mean no and we end up feeling resentful, exhausted, bitter, and angry. All of which can lead us down the unpleasant road of subversive or negative behavior toward the person who is violating our comfort zone.
“If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.”
– Cheryl Richardson
What is a “boundary”?
A boundary is a line or a limit to what you are willing to tolerate physically, emotionally or psychologically. The word “boundary” sounds like a strong word, and it is, but many of us incorrectly associate boundaries with selfishness. It’s actually the opposite. Boundaries are about self-care and self-respect…and they are also about love and respect for the other person. You could say it like this, “Because I care about you and respect you, I am going to be clear with you about what is okay and what is not okay to me, so that I can continue interacting with you without resentment.” A clear boundary is the result of love and respect for the other person combined with love and respect for yourself. Clear boundaries are the manifestation and implementation of us living compassionately in this world. When we have installed clear boundaries in our life, we have the freedom to show up as our whole self in the world.
Conversely, when we say yes to something we don’t want to do, we turn our back on who we are. When we relinquish control, instead of standing up for what we need, we give up on ourselves, and our sense of self slowly slips away. This breeds discontent, resentment, and anger.
Boundaries are also about self-worth. You need to believe that you are worthy enough to take care of your own needs first. After you have taken care of your needs, you will have more energy to help someone else with theirs. I love the airplane oxygen mask metaphor for this: If the oxygen masks on the plane pop out and you neglect yourself and help everyone around you put their oxygen mask first, you will pass out (imagine resentment, exhaustion, anger despair here). Instead, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first, so that you have the air in your lungs (imagine joy, love, happiness here) to allow you to help others around you. When we don’t care for ourselves, we have less and less to give others, and less to give ourselves so that we slowly spiral into resentment, fear, and depression.
When someone is in your house and suddenly lights up a cigarette, you would have no problem telling them to either put out the cigarette or take it outside. This would be an easy boundary for most people today because our tolerance for smoking is low. So why is it so hard to tell your father-in-law to call first before coming over or walking into your house?
“Each time you set a healthy boundary, you say ‘Yes’ to more freedom.”
– Nancy Levin.
When Are Boundaries Appropriate?
Boundaries are appropriate in every aspect of your life! Many of us think of boundaries as something we put in place at work or with a really difficult person. However, they are important for the health and balance of every relationship in our life: Your family, your partner or spouse, your children, your friends. Boundaries enable us to enjoy our relationships fully, and believe it or not, the person on the receiving end will benefit and enjoy your relationship more as well because you are able to be fully present and give the best version of you to those relationships.
Healthy boundaries with friends can make for strong friendships. They can also help manage well-meaning behaviors. For example, a woman who has a friend that frequently buys her lavish gifts might ask her friend to stop doing so. This boundary will help prevent her from feeling like she has to reciprocate as well as avoid feeling guilty when she is not able to.
Boundaries can also strengthen our romantic relationships. In fact, they can be crucial. We might ask our partner for time to ourselves for a walk, or a quiet evening alone. This can be powerful for those of us who are introverts in relationship with extroverts. We need time to ourselves in order to recharge and feel alive. If we don’t create the boundaries to allow this with our partners, both people will suffer and the relationship will suffer.
Boundaries with our children are vitally important not just for our relationship with them, but also to model good boundary setting skills for them to use later in life. For example, as a parent you might set a privacy boundary with your children, asking them to always knock before entering your bedroom or bathroom. As they become teenagers, they may set the same boundary with you. Or they may ask you not to read their journal or diary. It is important as a parent to respect these boundaries in order to build trust with your children and help them understand how to model boundaries as both as the receiver and as the boundary setter.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
– Brene Brown
Boundary or Barrier?
If we’re not good at setting boundaries (and many of us are not), voicing a boundary may be too difficult or uncomfortable…or we may just not know how to go about it. So, we take the “easy” way out: We erect a barrier and cut that person completely out of our life. Hard to believe that cutting someone out of our life feels easier than setting the boundary, but it does. It immediately ends the discomfort, but it leaves us more alone. When we cut people out of our life, we dimish the richness that is possible for us.
Barriers are not bad, they are just extreme, and they can be hurtful to the other person. However, there are times when barriers are completely warranted. When you have clearly communicated your boundary to someone and they continue to violate it, then it might be time to erect a barrier. If you are ever in a situation where your safety is at risk because of someone, a barrier is imperative. However, barriers should be reserved for the last resort. When creating a new barrier is our go-to response, we slowly begin to isolate ourselves. While erecting barriers will certainly end the violation of our boundaries, too many barriers will also leave us alone in a world where we crave more human connection, not less.
Setting Boundaries
The hardest part about boundaries is communicating them…and then re-communicating them. You have to decide that you love yourself enough to set limits on the unacceptable behavior of other people. This is not selfishness, this is self-care. It’s about preserving your peace of mind. It’s about preserving your ability to live in this world as yourself. Setting boundaries is the co-creation of a world where you are at peace and have the freedom to show up as yourself fully.
Be clear and concise in your communication. Simply saying “no” to something can be enough. You do not need to justify your boundary and you do not need to explain yourself. Keep the focus of the boundary on yourself. Do not make the boundary about someone else. For example, instead of saying, “You are overwhelming me with your constant drama.” Say, “I need more time to myself.”
Even when we know that we need to set a boundary, and we know how to communicate the boundary, we still hesitate, because it’s uncomfortable. We are essentially saying “No” to someone, and as recovering people pleasers, that is hard. However, that initial discomfort will prevent the long-term resentment that will develop if we can’t create the boundary. It can be helpful to have a little mantra to empower us and carry us forward leading up to a conversation about a boundary. Brene Brown has a great mantra she repeats to herself when she’s about to have a boundary conversation:
“Choose discomfort over resentment.”
– Brene Brown
That’s really what boundaries are all about: Choosing to avoid living your life in regret, guilt, resentment, or anger, and instead living your life with freedom. When you create boundaries, you are saying to yourself that I am going to be true to myself in all situations.
Don’t expect to become a master at setting boundaries overnight. Just like any new skill, it takes practice to get good at being clear in your communication, and practice to get good at not listening to the guilt that shows up when you set a boundary. However, if you commit to taking care of yourself, and start setting some boundaries, it will get easier and easier. You will be rewarded with a life that is more fulfilling, authentic, and rewarding than you could have ever imagined.
